I find a lot of modern poetry is just word contortion and
pretentious prattle. I thought I would give it a go and just let words dribble where they may in experimental fashion. But this is not what I call poetry.
Sticks settled
between toes,
forced deep in wet
sand,
ocean washed
with cuts like shells,
broken on the
beach - marooned, on
pebbles, smooth, bright,
as if lost - forgotten -
seaweed drowned, dappled,
fallen salted fronds - a dead
fish, yawning mouth, small
teeth, rotted flesh, embraced
death - pitted against the
detritus, plastic bottles, sliding
on the crusts of wave - mocking
towels strewn in disarray-
lost by fading swimmers, long
since gone away.
http://dversepoets.com/2013/10/31/meeting-the-bar-wild-beasts/#respond
Version Two:
Ocean washed, cutting like shells broken on the beach,
sticks settled between toes forced deep in wet sand,
each marooned, isolated; hung on pebbled breast,
smooth, bright, as if lost, dropped by hidden hands.
Holding in soft arms, dead fish with yawning mouth,
seaweed drowned in dappled, fallen, salted fronds,
small teeth, rotted flesh, embraced by liquid death;
nestled, pitted against the detritus in final bonds.
Plastic bottles sliding on the crusts of endless days,
mocking, rising on the breath of ocean, falling onto sands;
drenching shores draped with towels, strewn in disarray
lost by faded swimmers, gone to distant lands.
i like the second over the first, its easier for me to follow...i think too we have to consider the delivery method as part of the art...as if chooseing watercolor or acrylic...to me this is a bit sad....the trash and dead fish make me think of polution...and that those that did it have just moved on...
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree. Although it was more metaphorical than literal and I did not have physical pollution in mind, but of course, you are right, and perhaps it was subconscious.
DeleteGreat images in the pebbled breast, faded swimmers, and the horror of holding the dead fish.
ReplyDeleteReads like poetry to me - well done on both versions. I like how they each flow differently and give, at least to me, a different feel.
ReplyDeletevisually, I preferred the first, reading, the second.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I find modern poetry hard to fathom.
I think they both work for different reasons. I am glad you decided to try something new. I think isn't necessary to agree with a technique to find it a useful exploration.
ReplyDelete